Friday, January 17, 2014

Tripping Over Simple Truth

I've realized over time that my natural means of getting anything done is by diving in head first, whether it be starting a project, making a major life decision or anything in between. I've always started everything blind, feeling lost and fumbling around and so for the longest time I thought I was going about my life the wrong way. There were so many more people around me who made plans and goals and a list of precautions and things to think about before taking any plunge, all of whom seemed to have a general understanding of what really consists of "rational decision-making," a skill set that admittedly has eluded me these twenty-four years of life. 

But I'm finally starting to understand though that the leaping or jumping or whatever it is that I do when I make my choices is just how it works best for me. As it was very satisfyingly summarized in this Creative Mornings talk by Bri Emery, "The best decisions I've made have been the scary ones," and I'm trying to teach myself to be okay with that. 

And because I can't currently think of any clever segues, here goes - I officially quit my job today.  I've been embarrassingly unhappy for quite some time now but the other day it finally clicked for me. I had known for months that I needed to leave and that I held the power of my own well-being in the palm of my hands but instead of taking action I wasted so much time searching for external justifications, trying to do things the proper way and waiting until I had a plan in place. 

But after finally having the talk with my boss (awesome guy, by the way, definitely not one of the reasons I chose to leave) and with Human Resources, the sun feels like it's shining a little brighter again. Though I have no other job lined up and I'm still about as lost as I was the day I graduated from college and even despite the looming fearful possibility of not being able to pay my rent come March, I feel perfectly at ease and at home aimlessly wandering through this darkness, because that's where I guess I'm meant to be.